Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
