If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
