I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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