So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
