Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
