Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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