Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
