in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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