You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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