i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
