i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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