I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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