I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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