yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
