I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ketchup is God's man juice
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
