if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
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Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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