i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
