May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
