dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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