the new term for farting is butt boxing.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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