Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
