rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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