my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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