i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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