the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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