i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
