my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
