We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
