Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
