I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
