There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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