I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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