Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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