I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
