It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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