I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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