Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
