These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
