I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
