Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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