I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
As shirtless as possible
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
