areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
