I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
