Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
His nipple licking is glorious
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