I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
