I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
