her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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