a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
