White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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