Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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