On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my being single is dangerous.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
