tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
