I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
