Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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