I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
