life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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