I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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