tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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