I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
